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Dear Jes
Although I have been divorced for some years now, and have had other boyfriends and relationships, I think what my first husband said to me when our marriage was over has always stuck with me.  He said:  "Your body is so ugly after having kids that any guy you are with would have to get drunk to be with you."  I don’t think my self esteem has ever come back even though I know I look good and take care of myself - I’ve had some plastic surgery done on my stomach to get rid of the stretch marks (which was the best thing I ever did) - but my soul is still hurt I think.  Would love to hear your thoughts on this.
Longing for Self Love

Dear Lovely,

    People can do and say horrible things in a break up. I don’t know who wanted the divorce but you definitely came out ahead by that relationship ending. The hurtful comment your x made likely didn’t have a single thing to do with you. He was unhappy, for whatever reasons, and dumped the results of his unhappiness on you. The saddest thing is that he was obviously not connected to what you went through to bring his children into the world. Those stretch marks were your badge of courage because it takes great courage just to have children, and even more courage to raise them!
Yes, I agree your self esteem has never come back and probably wasn’t functional even before the break up. If you had been thinking more highly of yourself you would have simply crossed him off your list and moved on. But since you didn’t have a good foundation of self love at the time, the comment rattled you and even now, still feels raw. The fact that you were able to correct the stretch mark problem is good because it obviously made you feel better. Doing good things for you is like putting gold coins into your self esteem piggy bank.
There are many things you can do to increase self esteem which will continue to remove what you describe as the hurt from your soul. You could try traditional therapy or one of the many alternative ways to move blocked energy. I do help clients with these kinds of spiritual issues but the process is too lengthy to explain in this forum. I would welcome the opportunity to work with you privately.
However, I can tell you about a very simple technique called “Victim to Victory” that uses writing to change your relationship with the experience. The idea is to fictionalize the traumatic event in story form changing the ending so that you are the victor. Don’t try to plan it out in your mind before you start. And don’t place expectations on yourself that you have to be good at writing for the tool to work. The exercise allows you to see how the situation could have ended differently. Remember this is fiction so let your imagination run wild. You want to overlay a good outcome onto the negative memory. To your cells there is little difference between the reality you experienced and the more positive outcome you can imagine. So instead of felling like your soul is bruised, you’ll get the opportunity to look at yourself as the scarred but proud heroine of your life!
Enjoy Yourself,

Jes Ryn   
 

About Jes:

Jes Ryn is an intuitive healer, author, spiritual coach and Reiki Master.   Ryn’s years spent within the nursing field and later as a life/health coach gives her a unique prospective for blending traditional western knowledge with alternative modalities.
Helping clients with life issues has been a natural progression of Jes Ryn’s work. She believes that, “Physical illness has its root in disconnection from spirit. If you can reconnect to your inner core of spiritual wellness your body and mind will shortly follow suit.”

The Beauty Show is honored to have Jes Ryn as a business – life-path coach.  Jes will be pleased to hear from you and answer your questions here in the “Ask Jes” monthly column. 

To ask a question, please write to:  askjes@thebeautyshow.com

For inquiry on a private consultation or coaching, please write Jes directly at: jesryn@juno.com